


Not Alone

by MoonlightBreeze



Series: Whumptober 2020 [19]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Aftermath, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Has Feelings, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, And he gets that hug, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Caring Magnus Bane, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Magnus is a nice thing, Minor Character Death, Suicide, Supportive Magnus Bane, Survivor Guilt, Whumptober 2020, and he waits until he's home with his boyfriend to give in to those feelings, and now onto the serious ones, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:56:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27184153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: When one of the Shadowhunters at his Institute commits suicide, Alec is left to pick up the pieces. Magnus is there to help Alec pick up his own pieces.Whumptober 2020 prompt fic - Survivor's guiltWarnings for minor character death and suicide. Please keep yourselves safe! <3Hopeful/happy ending!
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Whumptober 2020 [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1950094
Comments: 4
Kudos: 101
Collections: Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020





	Not Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! This fic is written for the Whumptober prompt: survivor's guilt. I struggled with writing this fic, but I knew I had to write it. Please see the bottom of my author's note for an important message about suicide and the reason behind why I struggled so much with writing this, if you want to :) 
> 
> Warnings for minor character death and suicide within! Please keep your lovely selves safe. <3
> 
> I really hope you like this!! Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And, as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em
> 
> Suicide is an important topic that needs to be discussed. Someone committing suicide doesn't just affect that person's friends, family, etc. It affects _everyone_. Teachers, classmates, counselors, everyone that knew them even a little bit. It's a horrible thing that rocks a community and brings people to their knees. It is serious, extremely serious, so please treat it as such. Be aware of it, try to prevent it if you can, and take care of yourselves if you're ever affected by it. 
> 
> With that being said, rest in peace, Anthony. We miss you. I miss you.

Alec nearly tripped and fell on his face as he made his way up the stairs to Magnus’s apartment. Normally, he’d just take the elevator, but he didn’t think he could handle standing idly and waiting, with nothing to do but think. He had too much going on in his mind; that would surely have driven him insane. His muscles burned, even though he hadn’t done anything particularly strenuous that day, and his mouth felt full of cotton. He swallowed hard, taking a deep breath. He could do this. He could do this.

“Alexander? Is that you?” Magnus called from somewhere in the apartment as Alec let himself in, the wards recognising him and parting to allow him entrance. 

“Yeah,” Alec called back. Even to him, his voice sounded strained and defeated. 

Unsurprisingly, Magnus appeared in the kitchen a minute later, studying Alec with questioning, concern-filled eyes, his glamour already dropped for the Shadowhunter. Alec sighed and walked forward to embrace him, burying his face in the warlock’s shoulder. One of Magnus’s hands went to the nape of Alec’s neck, holding him close. Alec let out a shaky breath and tried hard not to cry. By the Angel, he had wanted to do this all day.

“Darling? What’s wrong?” Magnus asked, pulling back just enough to meet Alec’s eyes. His own eyes roved madly in the dimly lit apartment, sweeping over Alec like he could figure out what was wrong from something in his appearance. A myriad of emotions ranging from anxiety to sympathy to confusion flashed in the golden slits. 

Alec bit his lip, tears filling his eyes despite his best efforts to push them back. Magnus hummed comfortingly and placed a reassuring hand on Alec’s cheek, dropping a soft kiss to his forehead. Alec took a deep breath and said, “One of my Shadowhunters killed himself.”

“Oh,” Magnus breathed. “Oh, Alexander, I’m so sorry.”

“We got the news today,” Alec continued, clenching and unclenching his fists in the fabric of Magnus’s shirt. “The family called me. They found him last night. He shot himself.” He took a deep, shaky breath, holding himself rigid in Magnus’s arms. “I’ve been filling out paperwork all day, helping everyone who was left behind. Tomorrow I, uh, have to hold a meeting about it.” His last word came out as a sob, and Alec cursed himself internally. He wasn’t even friends with the Shadowhunter, he didn’t have _any right_ to be so fucking -

“Shh, hey, I’m here,” Magnus said, stroking his fingers through Alec’s messy black hair. “It’s alright. You did everything exactly as you should have, Alexander. I’m sure your Shadowhunters appreciate it.”

Alec scoffed, avoiding Magnus’s gaze. “I didn’t know what to do, Magnus. How the fuck am I supposed to know what to do? I-I was just going with my gut, Mags, I-I didn’t know what to do, what to say, what I _could_ say, I, there’s nothing anyone can do or say to make this better - ”

Magnus cut off Alec’s rambling with a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth and a gentle, “It’s okay,” that made Alec want to cry. “You’re right,” Magnus said softly, untangling one of Alec’s hands from his shirt to hold. “There’s nothing you or anyone else can say or do that will make this better. But you’re doing your best, and that’s all you can do.”

Alec let another sob escape, squeezing his eyes shut against the painful emotions Magnus’s words were evoking in him. “My best wasn’t good enough, Magnus!”

“What do you mean?”

“I-I didn’t even know he was hurting!” Alec exclaimed. “I didn’t know…”

“You couldn’t have,” Magnus reassured him. “Alexander, you couldn’t have known what that Shadowhunter was going through.”

“I should have!” Alec said, clenching his free hand into a fist. The bite of nails against his palm kept him grounded, kept him tethered to Earth instead of drifting off into the atmosphere and surrendering to the emotions that threatened to choke him with every breath he took. “I _should_ have known, Magnus, I’m the Head of the Institute, I should have been paying better attention - ”

“Alexander, this is no one’s fault,” Magnus interrupted, tilting Alec’s chin up so the other man would be forced to look at him. “This is a tragedy for which there is no blame. You need to understand that.”

Alec shook his head, his eyes glassy and full of misplaced guilt. “Why, why him, Magnus? Why not me?” He surrendered to the overwhelming tide of his emotions and laid his head on Magnus’s shoulder. “Why does he get to leave and I have to stay here?” He began to cry bitterly. 

“Oh, angel,” Magnus muttered, holding his Shadowhunter close. “I don’t know why these things happen. I do know that you are an amazing Shadowhunter, an amazing Head, an amazing boyfriend and an amazing person. You deserve to be here, Alexander, I promise you that.”

“Who says?!” Alec cried, lifting his head from Magnus’s shoulder, his eyes blazing. “Who says who’s worth it, who’s important and who’s not? Who says I’m any more important than him?” He clutched the fabric of Magnus’s shirt. “I’m _not_. I’m not, Magnus. I’m not any more important than him. I-I don’t deserve to live any more than he does.”

Magnus exhaled softly, closing his eyes. He didn’t know what to say to that. 

“He didn’t deserve this!” Alec exclaimed. “Magnus, I _knew_ him, he was kind and he was nice to the younger recruits and he was a good Shadowhunter and he _didn’t deserve this_.”

“No one does, my love,” Magnus replied, running a comforting hand up and down Alec’s spine. “No one deserves this.”

They were quiet for a few minutes, aside from Alec’s heavy breathing and occasional sobs that made Magnus’s heart ache. He didn’t know what to say, if there was anything he _could_ say. Alec was right, earlier; there was nothing anyone could say in a situation like this. 

“I never thought I’d be in this situation,” Alec mumbled. 

“Hmm? What do you mean?”

“I-I always thought, if someone ever died of suicide, it, uh, it would be me. I would be the one to, um. Well.” Alec was avoiding Magnus’s gaze, fiddling with the cuff of his leather jacket. 

“Oh,” Magnus breathed, his heart plummeting to his feet. “Oh, Alec, I didn’t know…”

“You weren’t supposed to,” Alec mumbled. “I hid it for a reason.”

Magnus bit his lip. “You, you still feel like that?”

“Yeah,” Alec replied. “Sometimes.” He dropped his head a little, staring at his boots on the hardwood floor. “That’s why I, uh, I always thought, I mean, I never thought, that I would be one of the ones left behind.” His bottom lip trembled, his eyes filling with tears once again. “I don’t want to be left behind, Magnus,” he cried. “I don’t want this! I never wanted this!”

“I know,” Magnus replied, his breaths coming short with the pain that cracked his heart at Alec’s statement. “I know, my love, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Alec stumbled forward, tugging Magnus towards him. Magnus went willingly, tucking himself into Alec’s space and pressing his body flush against the Shadowhunter’s. 

“Whatever you need,” Magnus began, articulating each word carefully, “Consider it yours. I’m here for you, Alexander. You will not go through this alone.”

“Not alone,” Alec repeated, his lips numb with tears and a thousand years’ worth of kisses he still wanted to experience. 

“That’s right,” Magnus said, kissing Alec softly, a testament to the pain they had both been through and the pain they still had to go through. “Not alone. Alexander, you’re never alone.”

“I deserve to be happy,” Alec said, and it sounded like a mantra, like he was reciting something to himself. “I deserve to be happy, and this doesn’t change that.” He took a deep breath. “Just because I’m happy doesn’t mean it was my fault. Just because I’m happy doesn’t mean I wanted this to happen.” He exhaled shakily, and when he looked up at Magnus again, his eyes were a little clearer than before. Magnus could tell he didn’t really believe what he’d just said, but it was something. It was progress.

“That’s right,” Magnus said, pressing his forehead to Alec’s in the dim light of their kitchen. “That’s exactly right.”

“I love you,” Alec breathed into the space between their lips.

“I love you, too, Alexander,” Magnus replied, leaning in the few inches to connect their lips and breathe life into his distraught Shadowhunter. “Now, tomorrow, _forever_.”

And Alec tasted the salty tears on Magnus’s lips and drank them in, drank _him_ in. He couldn’t believe a lot of things right now - definitely not the mantra he’d repeated before - but of that, he was sure. Magnus loved him, Magnus was here, Magnus wasn’t going anywhere. 

Alec wasn’t alone, and as he allowed himself to be held and comforted and soothed, as he sobbed his way through the guilt that threatened to poison his veins and irreparably infect his mind, he clung to that fact like a lifeline. It was his truth; the only truth he had. 

_I love you, Alexander._

_Now, tomorrow, forever._

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](http://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open, but very slow! Thank you for your patience. <3
> 
> If you love Shadowhunters, chaos, and gaining new friends (or any combination of the three), I invite you to [join the Discord server](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD) I run with my friends! We're a multifandom server that caters to Shadowhunters, Supernatural, Marvel, and more. We welcome everyone, and we'd love to have you! <3


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